


if only for tonight

by voidisa



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Axel makes bad decisions, Bad Decisions, Break Up, But so does Saix actually, Drinking, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Really A Happy Ending, Party, Pre-Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, Sexual Content, Strip Poker, not that graphic though, pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26656882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidisa/pseuds/voidisa
Summary: Saïx puts way too much time and effort into working, and Axel's had enough. He goes to a party and makes some stupid decisions. This is mostly just a bunch of angst.
Relationships: Axel/Demyx (Kingdom Hearts), Axel/Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Isa/Lea (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	if only for tonight

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I wrote this, but it felt right.

“Are you coming to the party tonight?” Axel asked. He was seated on the edge of Saïx’s bed, his coat hanging open over the flannel shirt and ripped jeans he had chosen for the day as he pulled on his boots. Somehow, Saïx had managed to get dressed in under a minute, and he’d immediately swept across the room like the beginning of a perfect storm and seated himself at his desk to sort through a heap of scattered papers. 

Axel knew he was only a few feet away, but it still felt like an entire ocean stood between them. Already he could feel the closeness, the intimacy they’d shared just moments before fading away as large, heavy stone walls began to reassemble themselves, piece by piece. Pretty soon, Axel wouldn’t be able to see through those barriers at all. He would be searching the cool, blank surface of his best friend -- the love of his life -- for even the slightest sign of familiarity and warmth, and he would be met with cold, hard indifference. 

But such was life. All he could do was try to hold on to the few moments they could share as a normal, loving couple. 

A loving couple with no hearts, but still. Axel was sure they loved each other. At least to some degree. 

Saïx snorted at the question, more of a cruel reaction than a humorous one. He had a stack of papers in his hands and was flipping through them so quickly that Axel couldn’t even begin to process what any of them held. “When have you ever known me to attend parties? Besides, I have work that needs to be done.” 

Axel stood, zipping up his coat, and started toward Saïx slowly, hesitantly, his legs shaking so badly he thought they might just give out. He wondered if it would be wise to go to his boyfriend and touch him, embrace him, remind him that they were still together even though all of the odds were stacked against them. Even though every day was a struggle to stay alive. It wasn’t that Saïx would hurt him or yell at him necessarily, but he would often tense and pull himself away, staring at Axel like he was just a casual acquaintance rather than a lifelong partner.

And somehow, that complete lack of interest was even worse. 

But sometimes, when Axel got close to him, he could hear that sharp intake of breath, feel the erratic beating in his chest, see his pupils dilate so wide that they swallowed his irises in a sea of black. Despite everything, Saïx did care about him. 

So he decided to chance it. 

He wrapped his arms around Saïx’s shoulders and buried his face into his neck, placing an unnecessarily sloppy kiss against his skin as he inhaled his scent -- the cool fragrance of lavender and vanilla mingled with sweat. The smell was always so much stronger after sex. It was nearly suffocating. “You work all the time,” he said, making sure that Saïx could hear the pitiful pouting in his voice. “It won’t kill you to take a break every once in a while. Just come with me. For a couple of hours. I swear you can leave after that. I’ll even help you --” 

"Have you forgotten why we're here?" Saïx asked, his voice so low that it sounded more like a growl. He was shutting him out, Axel realized, growing more and more distant by the second. The way his muscles tensed in his shoulders and back was enough of a signal for Axel to move away. "Have you forgotten about our friend --" 

"No, but taking a couple of hours to spend time with me isn't going to make or break --"

"It isn't just that. There are answers to all of this somewhere, Lea. All we have to do is put the right pieces together to get a whole. There are answers here." He shook the papers in Axel's face. "We just have to find them." 

Axel swallowed against the lump in his throat. Saïx only called him by his former name on rare occasions, when, if they had hearts, he would say that their emotions were running high. When he was angry, when he was upset, when they fucked. He was frantic right now. Axel didn't know what to do about it. 

"You're…" He examined some of the words on the papers. One of them had Vexen's name scrawled at the top. Another had Lexaeus's. "You're going to go through a bunch of old reports? Ugh." He ran a hand through his hair, his shoulders slumping forward, and despite his better judgment, he said, "Okay, I'll go through them with you. If you'll just come to the party--" 

"I'm not interested." 

_When have you been interested in anything lately? You're obsessed._ Axel almost told him so, but he knew that it would result in a fight, and he wasn't particularly in the mood for a fight tonight. They were fighting more often lately, it seemed. At least four times this week alone. He didn't want to make it five, but he was sure he was treading dangerous waters. 

“Fine,” Axel said, crossing his arms over his chest. His voice came out much harsher than he intended, and Saïx flinched, almost as if he had been slapped, and turned his attention to Axel. Something akin to guilt flooded his veins. 

“Fine?” Saïx asked, raising an eyebrow. “It certainly doesn’t sound fine.” 

Axel frowned. Here it was, the fight, no matter how hard he tried to avoid it. All he wanted was for them to act like a normal couple again. Back in Radiant Garden, before their lives were plunged into darkness, everyone used to say that they must be attached at the hip, because no one ever saw Lea without Isa, Isa without Lea. Though they’d never clearly stated to anyone what their relationship was to one another, it seemed that everyone in the Organization just sort of understood and went with it. Luxord had even joked that it might be a sign that cold, icy, emotionless Saïx really did have a heart at one time, because it seemed impossible from the way he acted now. 

They just didn’t know him, that was all. They didn’t know the side of Saïx that Axel knew and had fallen in love with. They used to go on missions together. They would hold hands and talk about nothing and everything late into the night, when everyone else had certainly gone to sleep. They went on dates on their days off, traveling across worlds, sharing sea salt ice cream at sunset, never having a real fight, never growing tired of one another. 

They hadn’t been anywhere together in ages. Except Organization meetings, but that didn’t really count. Axel could barely get him to come sit next to him on the couch. It was like he was never rested, never stopped, and in the midst of all that work, he could barely find even a few minutes in the day to remind Axel that they were still together. 

Today must have just been a lucky break. 

Silence swelled between them as Axel stood staring at him, weighing his options for a response. He was never one to keep his thoughts to himself, but he thought that if he opened his mouth and let everything he was thinking spill out, Saïx might not ever speak to him again, and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if that happened. 

He settled on, “It isn’t fine. I just miss you. That’s all.” 

It was hard to read emotions on Saïx’s face. Either he was very good at concealing them or he really, truly felt nothing -- not even the whisper of a memory of a feeling, which made Axel’s stomach hurt a little bit. It made him feel like Isa was gone, and no matter how far he reached inside of him, he would never be able to find him again. He bit his lip, studying Saïx’s face, hoping for some sort of apology, some sort of regret. Instead, all he saw was the slightest hint of confusion. 

“I don’t understand how you could miss me,” Saïx said. “I’m right here. We see each other every day --” 

“That’s --” Axel stopped. His voice was breaking. He sucked in a steadying breath and tried again. “That’s not what I mean.” There. Much better. 

But Saïx still didn’t seem to understand. “Then what do you mean?” 

Axel let out an exasperated sigh. How could he stare at those diagrams of hearts every single day and understand all of that perfectly, but he couldn’t seem to grasp what was staring him right in the face? He wanted to understand everything about hearts, but he couldn’t figure out Axel. He couldn’t figure out himself. Was he really that blind? Or was he just too far gone? 

“Yeah, I see you all the time, but we just act like colleagues, not like --” He stopped himself. He wasn’t really sure what word he wanted to use to describe their relationship. Boyfriends? That didn’t seem right. Not anymore. Maybe a few years ago, or even a few months ago, when they couldn’t seem to get enough of each other. But not now. 

“So what do you want me to do? Do you want me to give up all of this that we’ve been working toward so that I can feed your ego every once in a while?” Emotions were rare for Saïx, but he looked _pissed_. He had one hand resting on his chair, his entire body tensed and ready like he was waiting for some sort of attack. 

“I just want you to fucking care about something!” Axel shouted. 

“I do care! I care about finding out what we need to know so that we can get our friend back and get out of this miserable situation --” 

“It doesn’t have to be miserable.” 

“What?” 

Axel stooped down in front of the chair so that he was at eye level with Saïx. Looking at him now, he couldn’t help but smile, and whatever was eating away at him just seconds before seemed to be fading away rather quickly. “We’ve missed a lot of years where we could have been leading normal lives,” he said, “but we don’t have to spend them being miserable and wishing for something better all the time. We can just take time to make memories now. Together. And one day, we will figure it out.” 

Saïx was silent for a long moment, his lips pursed into a thin line as his gaze scraped over Axel’s face, seemingly trying to pry some sort of secret from his expression. Axel studied Saïx as well. He had a mole right below his left ear that he often kept covered up by his long hair, but Axel was always intent on kissing him right there, and it always elicited some sort of gasp or moan in response, which satisfied him to no end. He also had a scar along the base of his throat that was not Organization related. They’d been trying to rescue an alley cat when they were younger, and Isa had wrestled with the infuriated creature for so long that it finally clawed him and ran away. That was the day he’d decided he was more of a dog person anyway. He’d told Lea that when they were older and they had a house together, they were going to adopt a bunch of dogs. 

It had made Lea’s heart soar in ways he hadn’t understood at the time. They had a future planned out together. 

And now what? Was there any hope for a future anymore? Or were they both just ticking time bombs waiting to explode and destroy everything in their wake? 

Saïx was silent for an unnervingly long time. He usually was very pensive, trapped in his thoughts, but this was just unusual. It was as if, for once, Axel had actually rendered him speechless. He had no satisfactory response to give. But it didn’t matter. Axel thought he was breaking down those walls again, maybe weaseling his way back into Saïx’s nonexistent heart, making him see all that they had been missing. He offered him a gentle smile and took a strand of blue hair in his grasp, coiling it around his fingers. Saïx used to like when Axel played with his hair. He hadn’t so much cared lately. 

The shuddering breath that escaped his lips, however, let Axel know that he had at least received a small victory for the time being. His smile grew wider. “Come on. Let’s go to the party together.” 

Unexpectedly, Saïx moved in and slammed his lips into Axel’s so forcefully that it was almost painful, but Axel didn’t complain. He liked things a little bit rough anyway, and with Saïx, it didn’t matter how he kissed him, so long as it was him that he was kissing and not someone else. They’d always just _worked_. 

Kisses were so rare now, but when they did happen, it was just like they were kissing for the first time all over again. Less clumsy and awkward, obviously, but with sparks flying and desire racing through Axel’s veins so powerfully that he couldn’t even think of anything except _Isa is here Isa is kissing me Isa Isa Isa_ , and everything seemed to fit right into place. When they kissed, they kissed desperately, longingly, passionately, as if it was the last time they would see each other. It felt like Axel had simultaneously burst into flames and been struck with Larxene’s horrible lightning powers, but it was good, it was perfect, and it made him _feel_ something in his hollow chest that he thought had been long forgotten. 

It must have been at least two or three minutes before Saïx finally pulled away from him to catch his breath, but it felt like it had only been a few seconds, and he was tugging at Saïx, begging, pleading, wanting his closeness more than he wanted oxygen. Saïx ran his gloved finger over Axel’s jawline, tracing his way over his collarbone and down to his chest, and Axel closed his eyes, shuddering. He knew right then that he would do anything Saïx asked of him. He was completely at his mercy. 

He was in love with him. 

But he wouldn’t dare utter it out loud. Nobodies could not be in love. 

“Come on,” Axel said with a small smile, taking Saïx’s hand in his and squeezing it lightly, “let’s get drunk and make out on the couch.”

Saïx scowled, as if the very thought of doing that repulsed him. He slid his hand away from Axel’s, taking up his mess of papers again. “I have work to do.” 

Axel felt a surge of...something. He wouldn’t quite call it rage, but it was enough to have him on his feet, nearly pulling his hair out and screaming so loudly that his voice bounced off of the bare, empty walls of the room. "What is your problem? Why can't you take just a few minutes to spend time with me?" 

"Because if I work now, then later --" 

"I. Don't. Care. About later! Later doesn't matter. I don't understand what's so important that it can't just wait until tomorrow." He sighed. And then, a horrible thought crossed his mind, one that he wasn't sure if he wanted to say out loud. "Is it...me? Do you just not want to be around me anymore?" 

That couldn't be right, could it? Saïx kissed him. There was nothing different about the kiss, nothing lacking from all of the other kisses they'd previously shared. He still looked at him the same way that he always did. 

"Of course I want to be around you," Saïx said, clearly annoyed and slightly bored by the conversation. "I don't want to talk about this right now." 

"Oh, excuse me! Sorry for impeding on your extremely busy schedule! Do you think you can pencil me in for tomorrow, or will you be too busy kissing Xemnas's ass?" 

If the comment bothered him, he didn't show it, which made _whatever this was_ inside of Axel explode even further. For just a moment, he thought he could punch a hole in the wall, rip this entire castle from its foundations, but the strength left him as Saïx stared at him, and all he could do was stand there and gawk at him like he was some alien creature, his chest heaving rapidly as he tried to catch his breath. 

Saïx was like stone. His expression didn't change, and he barely even shifted in his seat. But Axel could tell that he had gotten to him just a little bit. His fingers were clenched on the side of the desk, and if there was any memory of anger inside of him, it would burst outward soon enough. 

The thought of another fight, Axel realized, did not exhaust him anymore. Instead, it just felt like something concrete, something inevitable. Like on Fridays, when he was excited for the weekend, but he knew deep down that Monday would roll around soon enough. That's how Saïx made him feel now. Like a Monday. 

"You don't seem to know or understand that what I'm doing -- every sleepless night, every painstaking endeavor -- is something I do for us," Saïx growled through gritted teeth. His eyes flashed dangerously. Axel knew he'd touched a nerve. 

"You know what else you can do for us?" Axel asked. "You can spend time with me now! You can let me help you and let me try to understand--"

"Do you think I enjoy doing this? Do you think I relish in the thought of losing precious time with you so I can climb the ladder to Xemnas's side?" 

Axel sucked in a shaky breath. It felt like there was a very large stone settled in his chest, pressing in on his lungs and making it nearly impossible to breathe. His eyes stung, and he recognized it as the very familiar feeling that accompanied an onslaught of tears. But he hadn't cried. Not since losing his heart. Not since Saïx drew the upside down tears. Thinking about Xemnas made him feel sick, and he wasn't really sure why. 

"I think you do, yeah," he replied, trying to keep his voice steady. "I think you're tired of sitting around and waiting for something to happen, and I think you want more power so that you can do whatever you want and no one can say otherwise." 

Saïx paused, his fingers drumming a steady beat against the desk as his gaze flicked over Axel's face. "Power comes with the position, yes, but the answers to our troubles do as well. You and I both know what we're searching for. Is all of this so bad?"

Axel swiped at his cheeks out of habit. There were no tears, there was no sadness. He was numb, as he usually was, and desperately grasping for something familiar to him. He swallowed against the lump in his throat, and slowly, he nodded. "Yes. It is. But only because I can't even be one of your top priorities--"

"You know there are things more important than this." The silence that followed, the dark flash of some sort of repressed emotion that crossed Saïx's face, was enough to let Axel know that Saïx knew he had fucked up with what he said. So there was still a little piece of humanity left in there after all. 

The realization didn't make it sting any less, though. It was like he had struck him with his claymore. 

"We were supposed to be in this together. I thought there was nothing that could tear us apart." Axel took a couple of shuffling, hesitant steps toward the door. He wanted to take off at lightning speed. He wanted to slam the door in Isa's face. He wanted to open a dark corridor and disappear somewhere until everything was better again. "All you had to do was come with me to a stupid fucking party, and all of this could have been avoided." 

Saïx scowled. "Fine, you want to go to the party? Let's go to the damn party, Lea! Fuck me for trying to do the right thing --"

"You don't know what the right thing is anymore! Neither of us does! Just...just…" He'd never had this much trouble getting words out. All those years they'd spent together, all the things they'd seen, the promises they'd made, destroyed in a matter of seconds by a party, of all things. 

He was tired. So tired. Tomorrow didn't matter to him anymore. The future didn't matter. What mattered was what was happening right now, memories they could make together in this one moment. 

Saïx was the opposite. He kept striving for something better than what they had. He wasn't content with just living in the moment. 

"Just what, Axel?" Saïx said. His voice was low, dangerous, like thunder. He had called him Axel. It was so impersonal, so disconnected. 

_Everything_ felt so disconnected. It was a massive blur. Axel couldn't even think of words to force out of his mouth, so he just stood there, choking on his own tongue, hoping for one thought to burst free from the rest, and finally, he grabbed the first thing that made sense in his muddled mind, and said, "I don't want to do this anymore." 

Saïx stood so suddenly that his chair tipped over and crashed onto the floor, filling the empty air with a sound like an explosion. "Do what?" he asked. His voice was still low, but all of the bitterness had faded from his tone, and he sounded...small. Afraid, even. Axel couldn't understand that. Isa had never been afraid of anything, and with all of the frightful things like death and being forgotten, it didn't quite make sense that he would be afraid of _this_. 

"Us," Axel replied. 

Saïx stared at him, eyebrows raised in a question he couldn't quite get out. When he spoke, he spoke slowly, deliberately, as if weighing each word before letting it out. "Us? You don't want to see me anymore?" 

He didn't sound angry, Axel realized, even though he had expected him to...well, go berserk. Axel toyed with the zipper on his coat, making himself take deep breaths, and shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I want to be friends. Please, please don't ever stop being friends with me. But with all the fighting and everything, I just...don't know if we work out. _Together_. You know?" 

The expression on Saïx's face was hard to read. There was very little sign that any emotion lay within him at all, but Axel could sense that there was something brewing underneath the surface, something big. 

"Fine," he said with a shrug. 

Axel felt as if he'd been punched in the chest, all of the air from his lungs whooshing out at once. "...fine? That's all you have to say?" 

"Yes. Fine. Friends." He took his seat back at his desk again, turning his back to Axel as he shuffled through his papers. 

Axel squeezed his hand into a fist. He wasn't sure why he was still standing here, why he was still wanting to argue. Maybe because he wanted some sort of reaction, some sort of…

Emotion. 

He wanted Saïx to be sad. He wanted him to apologize and pull him against his chest and tell him that he never wanted to lose him. He wanted the late night talks about their dreams and ambitions, their desire for a life that they built together. 

Instead, he got cold indifference. He couldn't even tell if Saïx cared about him anymore, if there was any remnant of Isa in there at all. It just felt like he was a nuisance, something standing in the way of Saïx's power. He wondered if there was something more important in Saïx's life now, if there was _someone_ more important. Months ago, he would have sworn that they would both die for the other, but now, he wasn't even sure Saïx loved him. If he even _liked_ him. 

"Can I…" Axel started to ask, the words failing him. He reached out, wanting to brush the hair from Saïx's neck, to leave a trail of kisses along his jawline and watch his mouth curve into a smile for just a moment. But he wouldn't do it. He had more control than that, he thought. "Can I come by? After the party?" 

There was a long pause filled with nothing but the sound of a pen scribbling against paper. Then, without even turning around, Saïx said, "I think it's best for me to work alone for now." 

Axel bit down on his lip. The uncontrollable urge to scream rose up within him, and he punched the palm of his other hand, suppressing the feeling as best he could. No, not _feeling_. He couldn't be _feeling_ anger. He just imagined that he would be feeling anger, if he could. 

"Fine," he said. 

"Fine," Saïx replied flatly. 

"I'm leaving." 

"Okay." 

He backed toward the door, hoping with all of his might that Saïx would at least look at him, but it was as if he had disappeared into another world. He was so caught up in his papers that nothing else mattered anymore. All that mattered was this hypothetical future he had in his mind. 

Not the present that he had now. 

Axel cracked open the door with something wild strumming through his veins, and he waited. He took one step out into the hallway. Waited. Another step. Half of his body was out of the room. Nothing. No response. With an irritated sigh, he slammed the door shut, making sure it was as loud and as violent as it could be. 

At the last second, he heard Saïx say, "Lea?" and a stone rose up into his throat as he hesitated, hand resting on the doorknob. 

Nothing happened. He scowled, letting out the breath he'd been holding. 

There was no room for Saïx to get him down. He had a party to go to. He was going to have fun. 

He still couldn't stop himself from looking back, though. At the moment, he had reveled in the sound of the door slamming in Saïx's face, but now, he just kept wanting to hear it open. By the time he made it to the end of the hallway, he had given up hope that Saïx would chase after him and beg him to come back. 

He had given up hope that he meant nearly as much to Saïx as Saïx did to him.

By the time he reached the Gray Area, everything was in full swing. Xemnas was not there, of course. He was probably in his chamber brooding and talking to himself, which was a fairly common occurrence, as Saïx had informed him. He was trying to reach out to a friend, it seemed. Axel wasn't even aware that Xemnas had friends. Just subjects. And Saïx seemed to be the most valuable one. 

But he wasn't going to think of Saïx anymore tonight. 

"Axel!" Xigbar called from the couch where he was lounging, a beer in one hand and his weapon in another. Not a good combination, especially since everyone else seemed like they were already stumbling around half drunk. "Didn't think you were gonna show up. Where's the boyfriend?"

Axel heard the venom in his tone, and it seeped into his skin, making him feel itchy and a tad bit annoyed. Several heads shot up, scanning the room with wide eyes as if they somehow expected Saïx to just pop out of nowhere and ruin their fun. He was really good at that these days. 

"Not here," Axel replied. "He's working." 

He felt the collective breath that everyone let out, the subtle change in atmosphere as the tension rolled away. Did Saïx really make them feel that bad? Did they hate him that much? 

Why couldn't he hate him that much too? Not even right now, when he should be the one who hated him the most. 

"Well," Xigbar said, stowing his weapon away as he swung his feet onto the coffee table. His smile was wide and dangerous, and it reminded Axel of a snarling lion. "I guess that's better for all of us, isn't it?"

The others murmured agreement, some even raising their drinks in delight. Axel found himself nodding along. "Yeah, yeah," he said. "Better for all of us. You guys gonna hand me a drink or what?" 

A cheer rose up from several of his colleagues as Marluxia tossed him a can. He opened it, plopping down on the couch, where there was very little room left. Xigbar, Luxord, and Xaldin were all squished together on this couch, while Vexen, Zexion, and Lexaeus occupied the other couch. Everyone else sat on the floor, chatting in obnoxiously loud tones over spilled drinks and blaring music. Axel didn’t know what song was playing, but it felt appropriately angry to match the deep, unsettling thoughts racing through his mind, and it seemed to drown out everything going on around him. It almost made it feel like he was dreaming. 

Maybe he and Saïx had not had a fight. Maybe they were still on the same side. 

He looked over his shoulder. No one there. He wished that Saïx would fight for him the same way he did. He used to go to unusual lengths to try to defend him to the rest of the Organization. Even when they would ask him, “Why do you put up with his shit?” he always had an answer for them. 

_Because he’s my best friend._

_Because he’s not usually like that._

_Because he still treats me with respect and cares about my well-being._

_Because one day it isn’t going to be like this._

He couldn’t think of a single excuse for him anymore. All of the things that the Organization members had complained about in the past were starting to creep up on him, and he was suddenly realizing that maybe they were right all along, and he had just been blinded by love that he couldn’t control. 

Saïx was arrogant. Saïx was bossy. Saïx didn’t give a shit about anything. Saïx didn’t do his fair share of work. Saïx expected too much. Saïx was violent, mean, irritable, selfish. 

Saïx had no humanity left inside him. 

Axel’s hand clenched around his can, and liquid sloshed all over him. He didn’t care. He downed the rest of what he had and opened up another can. “So what’s going on here?” 

“We were thinking of playing a game of strip poker,” Luxord said, shuffling the cards in his hand. “But little Demyx is afraid --” 

“I’m _not_ afraid! I just think we should play a game that we all have a chance at, you know? Like strip go fish or something.” 

Luxord threw his head back and laughed, and Larxene snorted derisively. She had her legs slung over Marluxia’s lap, Axel noticed. They were practically sitting right on top of each other. He’d never had the gall to ask them if they were dating, mostly because he didn’t much care. They all got bored in the castle from time to time. It was perfectly okay for them to mess around if they wanted to. 

For instance, he was almost certain that there was something going on between Demyx and Zexion. Nothing serious, of course. But there’d been a few moments…

“We’re not playing go fish,” Luxord said. “That’s a child’s game. It isn’t my fault if you’re no good at calling other people’s bluff. If you’re the first one without clothes, that’s no one’s fault but your own.” He began to deal out cards as Axel finished off his second can and tossed it aside. He wasn’t necessarily a heavy drinker, but it would take more than two beers for him to start feeling anything. He needed something stronger, something to make Saïx completely disappear from his mind. 

Vodka should do the trick. He grabbed a bottle that was sitting next to Larxene and twisted off the top, drinking directly from it. It was a;ready halfway empty, but he was sure he could finish the rest off himself. 

“Oh, man!” Demyx exclaimed, looking down at his cards with a heavy sigh. 

Larxene snorted again as she poured some of her drink into Marluxia’s mouth. “Guess that means you’ll be taking off your clothes.”

“Show your cards,” Luxord said, laying down a royal flush that Axel was sure he had cheated to get. 

“This isn’t fair,” Demyx said, putting down his cards as his lower lip poked out into a pout. “I think you’re giving me bad cards on purpose.” 

“Ah, shut up and take off your clothes,” Xigbar told him, leaning back into the couch with a smirk. Cheers rose up from around the table, drunken cries of elation and offbeat clapping. Vexen’s face turned so red that Axel thought he might catch on fire. 

“Chill, I’m just taking off my boot,” Demyx said, tossing it to the side with an annoyed huff. He tossed a shot of some sort of brown liquid into his mouth, wincing at the taste, then scanned everyone seated around him. His gaze landed on Axel, lingering for just half a second too long, before he looked away, shoving his bootless foot into Luxord’s face. Luxord grimaced, trying to fight him off, while Xigbar and Xaldin laughed in a loud, shrill way that could only mean they were intoxicated. 

Axel was getting there. There was a warm, fluttery feeling like flames spreading through his chest, and blood pumped violently through his veins. It was if he could hear it rushing forth like a great river, and he wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or some deep-rooted issue that he couldn’t quite grasp that was causing him to act this way. 

Demyx, Axel found himself thinking, was kind of cute in a weird sort of way. But Saïx _hated_ him. On most days, he tolerated Axel’s laziness, and on better days, he even found it sort of endearing, but he despised Demyx for all of the same things. Saïx hated everyone in the Organization, really, but he seemed to really have it out for Demyx for reasons that he had never managed to explain. Demyx always received worse punishments and more scathing remarks compared to everyone else because there was no one who could quite get under Saïx’s skin the same way that he did. 

Which meant that if Axel wanted to get back at Saïx, to get some sort of reaction out of him, then Demyx was the perfect way to do so. An idea started to form in his mind, sluggish through the addled fog of alcohol clouding him, but a good idea, nonetheless. 

At least, the alcohol made it seem like a good idea.

Xigbar poured shots for all of them as they played the next round, which Vexen lost, much to his horror. After a few shots of whatever this disgusting drink was that Xigbar was giving them, however, even he seemed to loosen up, giggling like a little child at the slightest provocation. 

Axel wasn’t sure how long the game went on. An hour, maybe two. Time felt like it was moving very slowly and quickly all at once after all the drinks. The pop music blaring over the speakers seemed to shake the foundations of the castle, rattling through his bones and becoming a part of him. Clothes lay all across the floor in a heap, and not a single person was fully clothed, but no one seemed to care. By the end of it, Axel had ended up losing everything except his underwear and the black t-shirt he wore underneath his flannel. Larxene stretched across the floor with her ass in the air, barely covered by the denim skirt that she was wearing, and Zexion, lying across from her, was naked except for his shirt, his eyelids fluttering shut every few seconds like he was ready to pass out. Why he had chosen to take off his underwear and not his shirt, Axel wasn’t sure, but he had himself on full display for anyone and everyone while he and Larxene arm wrestled and Marluxia danced on the table, stupidly pouring some sort of liquor all over his body. Vexen and Lexaeus clapped, throwing munny onto the table at his feet, while Xaldin stumbled about the room, tripping over absolutely nothing and devouring all of the snacks they had left. Xigbar and Luxord were the only ones still invested in the cards, though it didn’t seem like they were actually playing a game. They just kept taking turns putting down cards one on top of the other while taking swigs out of half-empty bottles. 

Axel leaned back on the couch, finally able to stretch now that people had moved, and sighed contentedly as he sipped from a bottle of red wine. He was getting a massive headache, but he didn’t really care because the thought of Saïx had still not left his mind, and he told himself he would drink himself into a coma if it meant not wondering what Saïx was doing and if he missed him. 

Around this time on normal days, he would be getting out of the shower and going to Saïx’s room. They always stayed up, sitting next to each other on the bed and talking, comparing notes from the day’s missions, sharing old memories, making plans for new ones. Their talks always devolved into kissing, and then making out, and then groping, and then they would fuck until they were too tired to move and he’d fall asleep in Saïx’s arms. He’d always wake up satisfied the next day, because that was all he’d ever needed in life, and if they could just get their hearts back and not have to worry about all this shit Xemnas was putting them through, then life would be perfect. 

He winced. Suddenly the wine tasted too sour, and he discarded the bottle, not caring where it landed.

Where was Demyx?

He’d probably called it quits for the night, after all of the brutal bullying that he had undergone during their game. It seemed that Luxord and everyone else really was just giving him a hard time, probably even manipulating the cards to make sure he was the butt of the joke. He was the only one that they’d managed to steal every article of clothing from, and what made it even worse was that he was hard after he’d taken his underwear off. 

“I’m just cold!” he’d protested when Larxene started laughing at him, which Axel was pretty sure was not something that caused someone to get a boner. 

“You’re tiny!” Larxene exclaimed. “I mean, I’d always kind of thought you would have a small dick, but --” 

“So you’ve been thinking about my dick?” 

“Only about how fucking small it is. And how it matches your personality.” 

Demyx had disappeared shortly after that, and Axel had drunk some more. If Demyx’s dick was tiny to Larxene’s standards, then he really didn’t want everyone to see what he was packing. Of course, it had always been satisfactory enough for Saïx. 

He groaned, letting his eyes slide closed as the music thumped around him to the beat of his dull headache. He needed to stop thinking about Saïx. Needed to start thinking about…

Demyx. Demyx was cute enough. And Axel didn’t really think anything about him was small. He could probably fill him up nicely. It’d be the perfect size for Axel not to choke...

God, he was really thinking about another guy’s dick down his throat. What was he doing? This was bad. This was…

No. It was good. He was forgetting about Saïx. Moving on. 

He wouldn’t make the first move, he decided. He would wait to see if Demyx did anything. If Demyx came onto him, then he would go for it. 

“Axel,” he heard someone purr into his ear as warm hands engulfed his wrists. He cracked open his eyes and saw Marluxia standing above him, his face dangerously close. He smelled like he’d been bathing in alcohol for a week. His nearly bare body gleamed with sweat, and his hair hung over his face limply. A sweet, sultry smile tugged on his lips. “Come dance with me.” 

“I don’t…” Axel tried to say, but his tongue felt heavy, and Marluxia was already pulling him to his feet before he could get any words out. Did it really even matter anyway? Marluxia was beautiful too, and the way that the moon shined on his sweaty skin made it look like he was glowing. He found himself nodding before he could think twice about it. 

It was a party, after all. 

Getting on top of the table was a hassle. It looked closer than what it was, and Axel kept trying to step on it and only met empty air, which caused him to stumble and fall and land on Larxene, who screamed and then burst into a fit of giggles as soon as Marluxia landed next to her. “So stupid,” she chided, threading her fingers through his hair as he grabbed her face and kissed her in the sloppiest way he possibly could. Neither of them seemed to notice or care that Axel was trapped in the middle of them.   
So much for dancing. 

“Axel.”

He looked up at the ceiling and saw two -- no, four -- blonde-haired figures swirling around in front of him, hand outstretched to help him up. He smiled, reaching for the hand and missing several times before it closed around his wrist and jerked him up. He staggered forward, smacking right into Demyx’s chin with his forehead. He felt no pain though, and all he could manage was a few incoherent grunts as Demyx laughed and swayed left and right, trying to hold himself upright. 

“S...sorry,” Axel said. Or, he thought that’s what he said, but it sounded like a nonsensical noise ringing in his ears. He looked at the shifting image in front of him, blinking to try to reorient himself. Demyx had changed into pajamas, making him the most clothed person at this party. Well, that was no good. Not with the plans that Axel had for him tonight. 

He grinned to himself. Saïx was going to hate this. But was it really a good idea to sleep with another guy just to get revenge on your ex? Axel didn’t know, and he was too drunk to care. Demyx, it seemed, was too drunk for good decisions too. 

“Was he trying to talk you into a threeway?” Demyx asked, his voice far too loud over the sound of the music. He leaned in close, his mouth just an inch or two away from Axel’s ear, breath wafting over his skin. The smell of vodka hung heavily in the air between them. 

Axel found himself laughing, but he wasn’t quite sure why. He leaned against Demyx, trying to hold himself up, his hands resting on his shoulders, and made some sort of gargling noise, followed by a slur of words that were almost indistinguishable. “Threeway? Nooooo. Dance. On table. For munny.” 

Demyx’s gaze was unsteady, constantly flicking back and forth like he couldn’t tell exactly where Axel was standing. Slowly, his eyes drifted over his face, landing on his lips for just a moment before shifting back up to his eyes. Axel could feel Demyx’s hands hovering, nervous, unsure right next to him, and he quickly reached out and took them in his own, settling them on his waist. Demyx stood there, not moving a single muscle as his breath came out in short, stuttered gasps. Just waiting, hands resting on Axel’s hips. 

Did this count as Axel making the first move? He didn’t care anymore. 

Saïx wouldn’t have hesitated, Axel thought, as he stood there waiting for something to happen. Axel had made the very first move when he kissed him, age twelve, at sunset on the roof of his house, but after that, Saïx was more than happy to take control. When he held Axel, it was firm and steady, like a promise that nothing bad would ever happen to him. But Demyx...he was barely holding him at all. His fingers were smooth, unlike Saïx’s, which were rough and calloused and scarred. Sometimes they had ink on them from all that scribbling he did, and he would leave stains across Axel’s body, sometimes purposely smudging the ink across his hips and thighs.

The thought of Saïx left him breathless, and a painful pang slammed into his ribs. He should go back to Saïx’s room. They could fix all of this, he knew. 

But he couldn’t stop. 

“You can touch me if you want,” he said, and it felt so _uncomfortable_ and so _awkward_ and he wanted something familiar that he could fall into, but he was horny as hell and angry -- yes, _angry_ , no matter how many times anyone tried to tell him any differently. 

“O...kay…” Demyx said, not like he was uncertain, but like he wasn’t even quite sure what words he was trying to say. His body knew, though, and his hands slipped underneath Axel’s shirt, sliding over the sharp angles of his hips and over his abs until his thumb came to rest on top of his left nipple.

He sucked in a breath, and Demyx’s gaze flickered down to his lips again as he started to rub slow circles over Axel’s sensitive skin. 

That counted as the first move, right? 

Without anymore hesitation, he moved forward and captured Demyx’s lips in his own, kissing him far too roughly, far too fiercely, but that was the way Saïx had liked -- 

_Focus. No Saïx. Only Demyx._

Demyx didn’t kiss back, not at first, but when he finally did, it was clumsy, it was awkward, and their mouths just couldn’t move right together, but Axel didn’t care. He grabbed the back of Demyx’s neck, dragging him closer as he opened his mouth, allowing Demyx’s prying tongue entry. He nearly gagged on the taste of alcohol, and there was too much tongue. Way, way too much tongue. Too much spit. It felt almost _greasy_ trying to kiss him, but he just kept going. 

They stumbled around drunkenly, groping one another and crashing into furniture until finally Axel slammed into a wall and Demyx shoved into him, his hips gliding over Axel’s and nearly bruising him with his sharp bones. Axel cried out, but he smothered it with another deep, wet kiss that made his head spin. And not in an entirely good way. It was.the dizzying sort of spin that came from getting up too fast, or like when you got off a really terrible ride at a carnival that made you nauseous. 

Something deep inside of him that everyone saw him making out with Demyx. He hoped they remembered it tomorrow. He hoped he remembered it tomorrow. And an even deeper, even more terrible part of him hoped that Saïx would see, and he would know pain the same way that he had been making Axel feel lately. He kept opening his eyes, kept looking around, but everyone was off in their own little world doing their own thing. No one cared that Axel and Saïx had broken up. No one cared that he was making out with Demyx now. None of it mattered. 

"You're a good kisser," Demyx said as he pulled away, planting kisses along Axel's jaw and sucking on his neck. It felt...weird. And even more so because Demyx was _complimenting_ him when he was just trying to get some action. It made him feel all squirmy, and he actually felt himself coiling away and tensing up as Demyx _slurped_ against his skin. _Slurped_ was the best way to describe it. There were ungodly noises coming from him. Something like a vacuum cleaner. 

Or maybe Axel was just looking for things to be wrong, he couldn't be sure. 

"Thanks, I've had a lot of practice," he said, because what else are you supposed to say when someone compliments your kissing and your brain is working at half its normal speed? 

"Really?" Demyx asked, but not like in a way that made it seem like he was jealous or hurt. It was like he was asking about something dumb like the weather, which made everything even more uncomfortable. He didn't even sound _interested_. 

"Nah," Axel replied, which was the truth. There was this one girl at a party when they were playing a stupid game of truth or dare, and then there was Isa. He'd only kissed two people in his life. 

And now he was kissing Demyx. 

_Oh god he was kissing Demyx._

He ducked away from Demyx's wandering hands for just a second, forcing himself to take deep breaths in and out to try to find some sort of clarification for all of this, but he found none. Instead, he grabbed the first drink that he could get his hands on and downed it, hoping that it would make him even stupider so he would stop thinking so damn much about Saïx. 

"Okay?" Demyx asked, his voice slurring as he slumped forward into Axel, unable to hold himself upright. They were both a mess. And there was going to be a bigger mess to clean up tomorrow. 

No tomorrows. No more talk of the future. Everything was now or never. 

"F-fine," Axel said, and before he could even process what was happening, Demyx's hand was in his underwear, and he was grabbing at him and touching him in places that only Saïx had ever touched. He tensed at first, wanting to fight him off, to go back to Saïx and make everything better, but it felt good -- better than the kissing -- and he wanted to _feel_ something again, just once. He wanted _revenge_. 

"You're thinking," Demyx said, matter-of-factly. His hand hesitated, resting on Axel's thigh, and he pulled away, uncertain, his blue eyes shifting over Axel's face and studying him carefully. 

"Shouldn't be. Should be fucking wasted." There was an empty cup sitting next to them on a table, and Axel drank it too, not caring who it belonged to. He didn't think anything as small as sharing drinks would matter to anyone right now. Almost everyone was either passed out or on their way there, and Xaldin and Lexaeus had disappeared entirely. 

Demyx snorted a laugh, though there wasn't really anything humorous about the situation. His eyes were unfocused, Axel noticed. They were both out of their minds. He studied the swirling image in front of him, and he decided that in a weird, goofy sort of way, Demyx was _really really hot_. And the way that he looked in the low light of the room with the moon shining through the window…

_Fuck._

He pressed forward, pulling Demyx closer to him until their bodies were tangled up with one another, everything pressed together so tightly there was hardly any breathing room. Not that there was much breathing going on. Axel kissed him, their lips moving together more easily now as his hands tangled in messy, sweaty blonde hair. Demyx bit his bottom lip, and Axel threw his head back against the wall and moaned loudly into Demyx's open mouth. Their tongues pushed against one another until finally Axel's won, and he pressed inside Demyx's mouth, licking at the roof and over his teeth, sucking on his tongue, memorizing every piece of him that he could get a hold of. His hands dug into Demyx's hips, dragging him even closer as he slowly moved against him, their rhythm just slightly off, but it didn't even matter. Hands tangled in his hair, tore at his shirt, pulling it up and over his head, and he was _exposed_ , the cool air of the Gray Area rushing in on him and colliding with the heat of Demyx's body on him. 

"My room?" Demyx asked, his words just a breath of warm air tickling against Axel's lips as he kissed him feverishly, as if he was the only thing that he needed at that moment. He rubbed smooth circles into Axel's hips, his fingers dipping into his underwear yet again. 

Axel shook his head. Demyx was kissing his neck again, and everything was swimming all around him. He could hear the dull thud of the music encapsulating them, but it felt like it was coming from another world. He squeezed his eyes shut, dragging his nails over the soft skin of Demyx's back, and let out a series of fast, stuttered gasps. He could barely catch his breath, and he felt like he was going to _catch on fire._

A wicked idea crossed his mind, and suddenly he desperately wanted to hurt Saïx in every way that he could. He wanted him to _wake the fuck up_ and see that everything was fleeting, that Axel wasn't his to control, that he had been taking him for granted all along, always just assuming he would be right by his side, obeying his every order and wanting the exact same things he did. 

A laugh bubbled up inside of him, and he felt unhinged, out of control as he dragged his teeth over Demyx's neck, nipping at his skin. How _fucking insane_ would Saïx be if he saw this? If he knew that Axel _wanted_ Demyx? 

He would lose his shit, and it would be perfect. 

"My room," he said, because he wanted Saïx to hear him, to know that he was no longer his, that he could have anyone in this Organization that he damn well pleased. He wanted him to hear someone else pleasure him, and maybe that was sick and sadistic, but that's all Saïx had been lately. It was just revenge, plain and simple. 

He managed to push Demyx away and stagger forward, their hands intertwined as he dragged him away from the chaos of the party and toward the quiet shadows of the hallway where all their rooms were. Axel's was right in between Saïx's and Demyx's, and the door was left unlocked so that it wouldn't look like he was keeping secrets. Even though he knew it was open, he still fumbled with the doorknob, and he ended up walking right into the door and slumping against it. Demyx collapsed on top of him in a fit of giggles, their limbs entangled as Axel tried to get to his feet again, and he couldn't help the bubbly laughter that came from him as well. Nobodies were only faking having fun, he knew, but this was definitely the most fun he'd had in literally _months._

Or maybe that was just the alcohol. 

Saïx used to make him laugh. No one else in the Organization would believe him, but Saïx had a very dry sense of humor that often left Axel laughing for several minutes and wiping tears from his eyes. Thinking about it now made it feel like a hole had opened up in his chest. 

He missed him. God help him, it had only been a few hours, and he still couldn't stop longing for Saïx's company. 

"You're wearing too much clothing," he said, because he couldn't fucking stop himself from this train wreck he'd gotten himself into. "We should do something about that." 

Demyx laughed and pressed a wet kiss to Axel's jawline, then slowly, he peeled off his shirt and discarded it somewhere in the dark hallway. He leaned forward, his messy hair tickling against Axel's face, and whispered against his lips, "You've already seen me naked. I think it's your turn to take something off." 

It wasn't sexy. Nothing about this was. But somewhere inside Axel's drunken mind, he found himself thinking how hot Demyx was and how perfectly their bodies fit together and how the sultry, low purr of his voice stirred something awake inside of Axel, and he felt like fireworks were exploding in his bloodstream. 

He staggered to his feet again, finally managing to get the door open, and dragged Demyx inside. He made sure to slam the door as loudly and violently as he possibly could. So Saïx could hear. So he could know. 

_I'm not yours anymore._

Demyx barely waited for the door to shut. He slammed Axel into the wall in a very aggressive manner while murmuring apologies and trying to plant gentle, fluttery kisses along Axel's face. It was wrong, it was all wrong, but Axel closed his eyes, letting it happen, and as Demyx's fumbling hands stripped him bare and he dipped down to take Axel into his mouth, he could almost pretend that it was Saïx. 

He turned his head, making sure that he was facing toward the wall that separated his and Saïx's rooms. There was something absolutely rabid inside of him, some sort of sick, twisted creature that did not care about other people's pain, other people's feelings because _Nobodies don't have feelings_. He only wanted destruction, chaos, revenge. He wanted this angry inferno inside of him to disappear. He wanted to be at peace. 

Demyx's mouth was warm and he had to admit that it felt nice, but he kept gagging and was moving _so damn slow_ that Axel could hardly stand it. Something else inside of him, warring against the raging fire, was something akin to guilt. Maybe some sort of regret. He felt like maybe this was all wrong for more reasons, like how was this fair to Demyx? He didn't know what he was in the middle of. He didn't know what Axel was thinking, and he was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Surely he couldn't think this meant anything. Right? It didn't. It couldn't. Because Axel couldn't stop thinking about Saïx, and he'd just made bad decisions that he couldn't get away from now. He was too far gone. They were both drunk, and being smart was not an option. 

Demyx took him deeply into his mouth and he thrust his hips forward, reveling in the feel of the other man’s wet tongue gliding across his sensitive skin. He moaned as loudly as he could muster, the sound of it echoing through the empty room like the cries of a long-dead spirit, and he hoped that Saïx heard him. He wanted Saïx to bust open the door and kick Demyx out, and he wanted to have a fight. He wanted to argue until daylight and then fuck until they both fell asleep in each other’s arms, but there was Demyx, and this was not a perfect world, and now he couldn’t even remember what he had been angry about to begin with. 

Demyx was talking. A lot. And why he kept doing that with a dick shoved down his throat absolutely _ruining the mood_ was beyond anything Axel could comprehend, but he kept his eyes closed and let the sounds of the moaning and the grunting and the heavy breathing drown it out. That way he could pretend. He could pretend that the coarse blonde hair he tangled his fingers in was silky blue, that the lips wrapped around him were much softer. Saïx could take him in so easily. Their bodies were so accustomed to one another. They knew every little thing that drove the other mad with passion and desire. 

The image of Saïx flooded his mind, of him on his knees with Axel in his mouth and a pretty flush to his cheeks as he peered up at him with bright, beautiful eyes. No one else ever got to see that. That was _his_ and his alone. 

The thought drove him wild, and suddenly that familiar feeling burst through his gut like a white-hot flame, and he was _so so close_ to tipping over the edge that he could scream. His grip tightened in Demyx’s hair, and Demyx picked up his pace just slightly as Axel’s hips rolled against him. It was all so good and so _perfect_ and he was going to come completely undone but it was taking _so long_ \-- 

His eyes flew open, and his vision was filled with white, burning stars as wave after wave of pleasure crashed over him, pushing him down into total euphoria that he thought could last forever. Through heavy, labored panting, he rode himself through orgasm as Demyx pulled back, and nonsense noises fell from his lips until they formed into one coherent word. “I...I…” 

“You what?” Demyx asked. 

“ _Isa_. Oh _god_ , Isa.” 

The room was silent for a long time except for his breathing, and when he finally came down from his high, he looked down at Demyx seated on the floor looking so innocent and confused, and he realized what he had done. 

“Oh...no, Demyx, I --” 

“I know,” Demyx replied. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and managed to grin. “I don’t know if this was really a good idea, but I had lots of fun. Hope you feel better.” 

Axel blinked. He didn’t feel anything. He was just numb. He stared, dumbfounded, unable to even form any intelligible thought at all. “I...just...uh --” 

“See you bright and early in the morning for mission assignments!” Demyx exclaimed. He got up, gathering whatever clothes he could find on the floor, and pulled them on. Smiling. Acting as if nothing had even happened. “Well, maybe not bright and early. I’ll probably sleep in. And don’t count on me going on a mission either.” 

“I…” Axel watched him pad across the room, and he let out the breath he’d been holding as Demyx opened the door. “I’m sorry.”   
Demyx waved him away. Still smiling. Not caring. It seemed wrong. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not upset. Can’t really be upset, can I? We don’t have hearts.” 

“Right.” Axel chuckled, but the weak attempt at a joke wasn’t even funny. He certainly felt like he had a heart sometimes. Like right now. Because if he didn’t have a heart, why did he feel so heavy, like he was carrying a world of sorrows on his shoulders? 

“Goodnight, Axel,” Demyx said. “Hope this didn’t make things awkward between us.” 

Axel didn’t even know how to respond to that. It wouldn’t, of course. He wasn’t even sure if he would remember this by tomorrow morning, or if he would wake thinking it was some sort of fever dream.

When he heard the door click shut, he staggered across the room in a daze toward his bed. He wanted to sleep. He still couldn’t even remember what he’d gotten so upset about, and if it was even worth all of this. 

Probably not. 

He sighed, walking over to the wall that separated his and Saïx’s room. He tapped lightly against it a couple of times, then waited. Back when they first got here and Xaldin and Lexaeus patrolled the hallways at night, they would send each other messages late at night through the walls when they couldn’t sleep. 

He was met with only silence tonight. 

This felt like the first mistake in a long line of many, and for some reason, he couldn’t shake the feeling that this would lead to their downfall.


End file.
